Texas blondes are legendary, clever, dumb like a fox

Rumor has it that the best-selling hair color in the state of Texas is blonde, and has been since the discovery of peroxide as a lightening agent.

If you’re about to tell a blonde joke, stop it right now. Texas blondes aren’t stupid, and that includes Dallas gal Jessica Simpson for the simple fact that she’s making more money than all of us put together, and you can’t do that by being an idiot.

Texas blondes are legendary. Most were born blonde; some might not have been but saw the light eventually. Many “born blondes” go more blonde because as we get older, our hair turns a mousy, dishwater color that isn’t flattering on anyone.

At this point, I will caution you to NEVER ask a woman if she’s a natural blonde. That’s tacky and will get you deservedly slapped, whether she’s from Texas or not.

Our blondes run the gamut from trashy to classy, just as the color runs from dark gold to platinum. All Texas blondes have one thing in common: guts and grit.

Bonnie Parker of the infamous Clyde Barrow Gang was blonde. She also falls into the category of “Dallas Blonde.” A Dallas Blonde is sort of the “super-blonde” of the Texas variety. Whatever you may think of redheads, amp it up times 5 and you have a Dallas Blonde. She is rough, tough and brokers no nonsense from anyone. She will take you in a fist fight or go down swinging.

Parker took the Dallas Blonde reputation over the top. She was a ruthless criminal. She was a killer. Now that’s nothing to be proud of, but it does serve as a warning: do not mess with Texas women and certainly do not mess with a Dallas Blonde.

Whether from Dallas or Texas in general, our blondes are legendary.

Mary Louise Cecilia “Texas” Guinan, the nightclub owner during Prohibition who liked to greet folks with her trademark, “Hello Sucker,” was born in Waco. Guinan owned the 300 Club in New York City. Her club was famous for its forty scantily clad dancers, the celebrities who patronized it and her own brassy style. And Guinan was no stranger to jail. She claimed she never sold a drop of alcohol and that her patrons brought it with them. Still, she ended up jailed for selling booze. Probably not a wise idea to call a law officer “sucker.”

Mae West based her character in the film, “Night After Night,” on Guinan. And her biography was turned into a movie entitled “Incendiary Blonde.” And here’s a little geek trivia for ya: Whoopi Goldberg’s Enterprise 10-Forward bartender character in “Star Trek: The Next Generation” was named “Guinan” after the lady herself.

The Texas Blonde is attitude personified. I once had a woman call me “bleach blonde” to my face. I said, “Nope. I’m a champagne blonde. And I’m guessing you run through your share of ‘chestnut brown no. 13B’ to cover up that gray in your part. So that’s kind of the plastic calling the plastic ‘fake,’ doncha think?”

Kinda left her speechless.

The Texas blonde is anything but dumb. Oh she might play dumb, but that’s a ruse, y’all.

I once heard about a blonde in New York who wanted to take a three-week trip to Europe. She went to a bank to see about a loan for the trip. The loan officer told her she’d need to put up some collateral for the loan.

“What is collateral?” the blonde asked.

“Collateral means you put something up for the bank to keep until you repay your loan,” said the loan officer. He knew better, but he couldn’t resist taking advantage. She was, after all, blonde.

“Can I use my car?” she asked.

“Sure!” said the loan officer. “How much money do you need?”

“I figure I’ll need about $5,000,” she replied.

“Great,” said the loan officer. “Bring me the car and I’ll give you the money.”

The next day the blonde drove up in a luxury car worth at least $100,000 and handed the loan officer the keys. Without a word, he handed her the money, puzzled that a woman driving a car worth that much money would need a loan to go to Europe.

“See you in three weeks!” she said, and off to the airport she went in a taxi cab. Three weeks later, the blonde returns to the bank. She hands the loan officer $5,000; he gives her the keys to her car.

“Before you leave, I just have to ask,” he said. “How is it that you needed a loan for a trip when you clearly are able to afford this car?”

“Simple,” she replied. “Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks and know it will be there when I get back?”

A word to the wise about blonde jokes: if you wouldn’t tell one about a specific group or culture, don’t tell ‘em about blondes. Whether we’re born blonde, enhanced or blonde by choice, the jokes are not only untrue about us as a whole, they’re cruel. Substitute another group for blondes and ask yourself: is the joke really all that funny? Probably not.

I can’t tell you why Texas has a preference for blondes. It’s like armadillos, Kinky Friedman, horned toads, chili, Bob Wills and the Alamo: it’s a part of the culture, we like it that way and seems like other folks do too. And there’s nothin’ stupid about that.