Redneck black belts, Texkwondo make up Texas martial arts style

My husband, Frank, is a third degree black belt in taekwondo. He’s working toward his fourth degree currently. I think Frank’s been breaking boards and sparring for the better part of a decade. Through Frank, I’ve learned that there are a many different forms of martial arts. Taekwondo is Korean, as karate is mostly Japanese. Then there is judo, jujitsu and a whole mess of other fighting forms.

So at dinner one night we speculated on what a martial arts form from Texas would be like.

Redneck black belts.

That sounds like a title of a comedy film starring Larry the Cable Guy.

I only really know taekwondo and that’s pretty limited. I tried to take it up, but it’s a little tough right now to fit one more thing into my schedule, and I remain the Eternal White Belt, a danger mostly to myself.

But I got to thinking about a Texan form of taekwondo or “Texkwondo” if you will. I pictured sahng jeol bahngs (what others call nunchucks) fashioned out of beer cans and barbed wire. As the tiger and dragon symbolism figures prominently in taekwondo, it would likely be the armadillo and the rattlesnake in “Texkwondo.” And, as kung fu has leopard style, which relies on speed and angular attack, Texkwondo would have possum style, which relies on playing dead and hoping your opponent gets bored and walks away. Armadillo style would mean jumping in front of a speeding truck. Neither would be very popular or effective.

Taekwondo literally means, “the way of the hand and foot.” Texkwondo pretty much means, “the way of the hand on the gun.” And considering the approaches of possum style and armadillo style, that’s probably a good thing.

Buzzard style would be more effective. Vultures defend themselves by vomiting. Considering what they eat, the defense tactic works. So the next time someone attacks, just draw yourself up to your full height, throw back your head and spew. I’ll bet nobody will bother you after that.

In Texkwondo, one does not aspire to become a ninja. Oh no. One becomes a “ninjer.” You have to pronounce it correctly. “We got us a buncha ninjers hoppin’ over the fence. Run and git some th’owin stars, so’s we can defend ourselves.” The “r” is silent in the the verb “throw.”

Every form has some kind of weapon, whether the weapon is an SJB, a staff, some variation on a sword or a farm tool. The same would be true of Texkwondo. I imagine that, instead of throwing stars, we’d use spur rowels or conchos off a belt. Every Texas man carries a pocket knife, so there would need to be a form for that. And then there are wire cutters, posthole diggers and bug zappers.

The options are limitless.

In the normal martial arts, there are the different belt colors that denote a student’s progress and success. They are, in no particular order, white, yellow, orange, camouflage, purple, blue, brown, red and then black. I propose this belt system for Texkwondo: rope, canvas, denim and leather. And when all forms of attack fail in defeating your opponent, just take your belt off and commence to whoopin’ on ‘em.

Martial arts requires a lot of hollering. Hang out at a dojo and you will hear students yelling “YEEEAHHHH!” every time they throw a punch or a kick. In Texkwondo, it’d be, “HEY YEEEE’ALLLLL WATCH THIS!” because that’s usually the last thing anyone hears when a redneck does something stupid.

I thought I was original in coming up with redneck blackbelts. It seems I am not. Diemon Dave of Diemon Dave’s Ninja School beat me to it (http://www.diemondave.com/). I do not endorse Diemon Dave or his school because he is a bona fide weirdo, but he’s pretty funny, too. So visit at your own risk.

Diemon Dave is a Chuck Norris fan, in an almost frightening and unhealthy stalker way. That figures. Chuck Norris is the original “Redneck Black Belt.” And, by the way, Walker Texas Ranger himself was born in Oklahoma. Norris even came up with his own martial arts form: chun kuk do or, as I like to call it, “Okie Fu.” So there is something to the whole redneck black belt thing.

And so, in the spirit of Texkwondo, an oath: "Sir/Ma'am, I shall practice in the spirit of Texkwondo; with courtesy for my fellow Texans, loyalty to my state and the expectation that if I don’t, my juniors and seniors will whoop me with my own belt, sir/ma'am."